Friday, February 3, 2012

Fat Friday (Day 19)

Dear Diary,

I am pissed.  I am seriously crabby.  I was feeling fairly light-hearted when I confessed to the accidental miscombine on Tuesday.  Wednesday was good.  Last night I miscombined again, just in a hurry, throwing together an unplanned meal to satisfy me and Shawn, yet not get the kids so ticked off they stop trying the new foods.  And I made something healthy.  The Maple Glazed Salmon from Natalia's book.  But I made it with sweet potatoes.  And tri-color quinoa with raw zucchini, olives and a few sprinkles of raw goat cheese. It was yummy.  And satisfying.  And so very wrong.

So, I shouldn't say what I'm about to say because it's really not fair.  But I'm just going to anyway.  I'm pissed.  I know I'm gaining weight.  Shawn says we need to buy a scale because I'm nuts and there's no way, but I know, the way a girl just knows and I'm grasping at straws if I try to convince myself he's telling the truth.  Well, let me amend that, I'm sure he believes what he's saying to be true.  He's not lying; he's just wrong.

My belly has gotten so big, I look pregnant again.  My kids keep commenting on it so it's not just in my head.  And the frustrating part is, I feel...ok, I'll admit it...kind of deprived.  Like I'm playing the martyr, not eating what I really want to be eating.  But instead of losing the last few pounds I wasn't too worried about in the first place I'm gaining weight.  What the HECK?!

So, I have a few possible theories for myself (but I'd love to hear your opinions too!):

1. It's psychological: I'm feeling "deprived" because I'm not getting the fix of what I'm craving and then over-compensating (i.e. I've been DYING for a bowl of cereal - and by "cereal" I mean the super-healthy, organic stuff that looks like twigs and whose box brags about all the fiber and protein it offers, mind you, not Trix or Coco Puffs or something....but I can't have cereal so I have a handful of nuts, then some prunes, then some figs, then some other nuts, then, still disappointed, a Larabar...hmmm....that's a lot of calories I bet.)

2. It's physical:  This miscombining thing is worse than I realized and after a week or two of "cleaning" my system, my stomach bloats more easily, despite my incredibly healthy food choices, when those choices include an accidental miscombine.

3. I've become obsessed with food.  Trying new recipes.  Trying vegetables I've never heard of.  I'm reading blogs, cookbooks, browsing Pinterest, all with RAW FOOD on the brain.  And, even raw food is, well, food.  And thinking about food makes me hungry.

4. It's a combination:  I'm over-eating dense, fatty foods because I'm tired, crabby, whatever...and then I'm getting uncomfortable, bloated - and possibly dehydrated (I NEVER drink enough water) - and the vicious cycle begins where I then try to make myself "feel better" (less tired, crabby, etc.) by eating more...but fearing the "miscombine" continue to eat more in the same category of dense, fatty, non-hydrating foods rather grab what I'd normally grab, an apple.

I don't know.  I felt so good the first week.  And Shawn is THRIVING on this program.  My children are unbelievable, trying new foods.  No more tummy aches for the girls AT ALL.  I know this 80/20 raw thing is a good thing in theory.  And I have committed to sticking with this and intend to figure it out, I do NOT intend to give up.  But I have to be honest:  I'm frustrated.  No one goes on a detox - no one seeks out a "New Normal" - if that normal means GAINING weight.  Something's gotta give.

Should I just cut out the dried fruits and nuts category completely for a few days?  Should I go back to the very specific regimen outlined in The Book until I figure this out?  Should I just get out of my house, out of my kitchen, and stop thinking about food for a while?  I need help!!!!!

Thanks for listening.



  1. It's 10:00 and I grabbed an apple instead of my morning Larabar. All fruit (and green lemonade) so far. Amazingly I feel better all ready. (Psychological or not, this seems to be working. I am so relieved).

  2. Oh, I'm so glad you're feeling better after that apple. I was thinking about what you wrote and wanting to come back to my laptop to say, "Let's figure this out because this is NOT the experience I want you to have!" I don't have the answers, but I'm believing you do, so let's figure this out.

    You have trouble drinking enough water? So do I. Ever since I read the words 'deeply hydrating' somewhere in Natalia's book (in reference to fruit and vegetable juices) however, I've sort of switched gears. Here's my thinking: I can filter my water through the water filter and get water, or I can 'filter' my water through the earth's fruits and vegetables and get 'water' combined with vitamins and minerals and all manner of good things. I've actually been drinking about 40 oz. of juice per day. Forty ounces of juice and about - okay, if I'm being honest, only about 20 oz. of water every day, but I'm feeling really hydrated. So the first question I want to ask you is, how much juice are you drinking every day?

    I'm also somehow feeling like you might be on the right track with your thinking about 'dense foods'. What about a coconut water/spinach smoothie when you're hungry? Throw in a frozen banana and a few frozen mango chunks? Maybe a spoonful of honey? I'm thinking something like that would be less dense than dried fruit and nuts. Oh, and what am I missing here? Why can you not have a bowl of cereal when that's what you really want? Can you not have a bowl with nut milk?

    Keep me posted, Beck. I want to hear how you're feeling, even when you're feeling crummy.
    Love you!

  3. I said it before and I'll say it again. When you crave, JUICE!... I'm the master of crabby craving foods while not drinking enough. Celery hydrates and the rest of what ever you put into "Jack" (the juicer) keeps the crabby hunger at bay!

    Oeps, just staring at my empty "Mason Jar" Pout!

  4. I have been disturbed by your post all day. Not because it upsets me, but I can relate. And I think that it still all comes down to calories are calories. As Maggie even mentioned, eating too many nuts isn't for her and I realize it doesn't work for me either. It is hard for me to just eat the small amount of nuts I should eat - I usually reach for them when I am ravenous which equals way too many nuts! So I am liking these juicing more and grabbing for fresh fruit suggestion as an alternative. I think I will leave the nuts for my yummy alternative meals mostly.

  5. I just want to say thanks for all the encouragement. I have read (and re-read!) these comments on my iPhone (while at the grocery store, the bakery, the movie theater, 3 birthday parties - CAKE! AHHH!!! - and a pancake breakfast at church....thanks for the long-distance encouragement. It's amazing, against all those (super unfair!) odds I'm back on target and LOVING the way I feel. I can't wait to blog (Tuesday) about how much better I'm doing. Thanks to you all!!!!!!

  6. I think you need to JUICE more... Are you just drinking the Green Lemonade (in the am)? Are you making 1-2 more juices throughout the day? I think this would help a lot! I know for me, when I grab a Larabar instead of making a juice, I feel sluggish, hungry, and un-motivated. The juice is like real fuel!!! ???